I bring to you my first ever non legal article that has been published! This article is included in the July edition of Professionelle’s newletter. Professionelle is an online network for professional women in New Zealand (although I’m sure that Sarah and Galia would be more than happy to have more overseas members!)
Perfection – is it your friend or your greatest enemy? How many of us know someone who is a little (or a lot!) like the character of Bree Hodge from Desperate Housewives; although their home and image is perfectly immaculate this somehow only seems to isolate them from others.
How much of our lives are fritted away trying to be perfect; worrying about having the perfect job, relationship, home or pair of shoes?
There is nothing wrong with striving for excellence. However, if you cross over into the obsession of perfection you could be damaging your work, health, relationships and yourself.
Inner Critic
The relentless voice of our inner critic is symbolic of perfectionism. Everyone has an inner critic. It’s that little voice that pops up when you least want it to and reminds you of your failures and shortcomings, “I should have done a better job than that, my boss isn’t going to like it”. However, it’s when you constantly criticise yourself as a person, that you once again haven’t met the impossibly high standards that you set for yourself, that perfectionism becomes a problem.
By becoming aware of that internal voice and meeting it head on you take away its power. Rather than resisting it or ignoring it focus instead on acknowledging it and recognising its flaws.
Benefits vs. Costs of Perfection
Perfectionism is not necessarily an evil that must be banished completely. An analysis of the costs and benefits can reveal those parts you wish to keep and those you wish to remove from your life.
Although each of us will have a different cost/benefit analysis I thought sharing my analysis could be useful to others:
Benefits
- Feel very organised
- Feel very disciplined
- Keeps me motivated to grow
- Confident that I can do a good job
- Confident that I can achieve whatever I put my mind to
- Always want to do my personal best
- Am dependable and reliable
I’m sounding pretty good so far!
Costs
- Procrastination
- Health issues including stress, anxiety, depression
- Energy to keep up a certain image
- Lose track of myself
- Not taking the time to nurture that part of myself that needs to relax and unwind
- Tendency to be a control freak.
Now that is not sounding like someone who is easy to work or live with. The costs of my perfectionist streak are all too clear. Even when writing this article I’ve had to deal with procrastination as I had doubts that I could write an article that was unique enough to be published.
My Story
As a recovering perfectionist I am now constantly on the watch for my inner critic as I know that I can be very hard on myself. I had always thought of my perfectionist streak as an asset as it meant that I always did an excellent job at work. It took me some years to realise that I had become my own worst enemy as I was spending longer and longer at work in the attempt to give everything the Rolls Royce treatment when it wasn’t always required.
Spending longer and longer at work, skipping lunch breaks because there was so much to do, not having regular exercise (even though I loved it); life became a busy rush that revolved around my work. I know that I can’t have been a pleasure to work for either as I had impossibly high expectations of those around me and when others make a mistake I was not very forgiving. I liked things to be done my way which meant that I was very controlling and could have given my staff more scope to make different suggestions. This is not a great way to live and it’s astonishing how many of us live our lives in that way.
We perfectionists are generally not very kind or compassionate towards ourselves. For us nothing is ever good enough so we get little or no satisfaction from what we have achieved.
Effects of Perfection
Another exercise I found useful when taking a serious look at what perfectionism was costing me was to fill in a grid like the one below. Do any of these items resonate with you? Can you add anymore?
| Cognitive (thinking) |
- Constant worry
- Relentless inner critic
- Inner judge
- Unrealistic goals
- Mind churning over negative thoughts
Physical
- Feeling tired
- Not sleeping well
- Constantly tense
- Headaches
- Queasy stomach
Social
- Isolation (my home isn’t good enough to invite friends to)
- Feel like you are boring or uninteresting
- Social anxiety
Emotional
- Sad
- Depressed
- Feeling down
- Angry
Beware Of A Shift Of Energy
You can easily become aware of the shift of energy that results when you move from striving for excellence to your perfection obsession.
Imagine you have a project, be it work, a dinner party or a kid’s birthday party, that you feel excited about and start to plan. Watch for shifts in your energy from contentment to anxiety etc. Are you wishing you’d never started the project or that others would give you more time or help? If you become resentful of the time you are spending then you may have shifted to a fear base and perfectionism loves it there.
If you are unable to catch this behaviour to start with then simply be aware of the after effects as these can highlight any energy shifts that occurred.
Reframe Your View of Perfection
Forever chasing the myth of perfection can be very time consuming and exhausting. We all need to recognise that life is messy and difficult and that sometimes, good is good enough.
I know that it can be hard for a perfectionist to honour themselves and to give themselves the time they need. These days I’m much kinder to myself and focus on enjoying the ride as much as the result.
Be kind, gentle and loving to yourself. You are your own best friend so stop for a moment, put aside the to do list and take a moment to breath and give yourself a break from chasing that illusion of perfection.
I’d like to thank Lesley Sardo, Life Strategist & Spiritual Coach, for providing the framework for the exercises. More details on her work can be found at www.collaborativecoaching.ca
