This is a sneak preview for my loyal readers of an article that is soon to be published by Professionelle.
“Your vision will become clear only when you look into your heart.” ~ Carl Jung
When I was asked to write this article I was in the middle of dealing with all the conflicting emotions of a relationship break up. The relationship had not been very good for me so I was not feeling that I had been true to myself by staying in it for as long as I did. Then it occurred to me that this was the very thing that I needed to share with you, not that I’ve already found my authentic voice, rather the journey that I am undertaking in all areas of my life to find my voice and live in a way that is truly unique to me.
I’d spend years building up a professional image of myself without asking myself if this was truly how I wanted my life to be. I’d had warning signs (frustration, illness) in the latter stages of my career that something wasn’t quite right. In the end I decided to take the drastic action of quitting my job, over a year ago now, to explore what else life could offer outside of corporate law.
Wit, Words, Wisdom and Women
As part of my exploration I attended a weekend workshop at the Kripula Centre in Massachusetts called “Wit, Words, Wisdom and Women”. It was run by the fabulously talented mother and daughter team of Ellen and Katie Goodman. I was attending the workshop as its description felt exactly like what I needed at that time, “How to discover your authentic writing voice”.
The lake at Kripula
Over the course of the weekend we did many exercises including one around labels. We were asked to pair up and then individually write down as many words describing ourselves as we possibly could in the short time frame we were given. I love challenges like that being the competitive soul that I am so I scribbled like crazy; “Daughter, Sister, Aunty, Niece, Friend, Sister in Law, Lawyer, Coach, (they were coming thick and fast now), Photographer, Internet Marketer, Traveler, Tourist, (time nearly up!), Yoga Enthusiast, Sports Woman. “STOP! Time up”, grinned our presenters, knowing full well what was coming next.
Who am I?
Looking around the room I saw a happy bunch of women who had achieved the task given to them, or so they thought. “Now each of you take turns to describe yourself to your partner, without using any of the words you have written down”. Every woman in the room looked horrified. We all thought we had done so well writing down as many labels as we could possibly think of that there was silence in the room as we tried to grasp this turn of events. I turned to my partner with a dazed expression on my face and I had to confess that I was having a complete mind blank. Who am I without all of those labels?
This was a powerful lesson for me as it showed just how much I had defined myself by my previous career and the roles I had in relation to others. Of the words I had written down only a third of them described things I liked doing and none of them really described who I uniquely was as a person.
Labels That Limit
It is very easy to use labels to describe ourselves or pigeon hole others. I don’t even think we are aware that we are doing it and by doing so we limit ourselves and others. When asked what I did I used to say “I am a lawyer”, as if that was the sum total of who I was rather than simply a description of my career.
How often do we miss learning something wonderful about another person because we have already limited them by a self imposed definition and, because of this, stop asking questions, stop being curious? Imagine the talents that we might share with the world when we begin to see ourselves, and those around us, as unique creatures with many authentic talents to share.
“Up to a point, a man’s life is shaped by his environment, heredity, and movements and changes in the world about him; then there comes a time when it lies within his grasp to shape the clay of his life into the sort of thing he wishes to be . . . everyone has it within his power to say, this I am today – that I shall be tomorrow.” ~ Louis L’Amour
Today I am Curious, Adventurous, Courageous, Creative and Humorous. Tomorrow? Perhaps the same and perhaps so much more.
Who are you?
If I asked you right now to describe who you really are, could you do it? Or would you stumble to find the right words? It is ironic that it can be so difficult to state who we are when we are there, living our lives each day.
I’ve spend many years in the rat race, convincing myself if I ran on that wheel just a little faster then the feeling that there must be more to life would vanish. It took some time to see than I actually needed to slow down, to take time to ask myself who I really was. I had based my perception of myself on what others thought for so long that I’d forgotten who I was. Now my journey starts with the question, “What steps can I take to live an authentic life?”
Sometimes looking at what you don’t want to be can be a start in identifying who you really are and what you really want. For me this is much simpler as I know that I don’t want to be unsure of myself anymore. I don’t want to be negative or to expect the worst. I don’t want to be a people pleaser. I don’t want to sit in a glass cell for the rest of my working life.
We each need to be completely honest with ourselves about what is truly important to us rather than what our parents, friends, co-workers or loved ones think should be important.
“Be yourself: everyone else is already taken.” ~ Oscar Wilde
When we aren’t being authentic we feel anxious, people please, second guess every decision, rationalise everything, want to impress others, says or do things we regret, don’t expect much, hide or deny feelings, feel like a victim, feel confused and overwhelmed, feel helpless or hopeless, get depressed or angry and are trapped in endless mind chatter.
Compare this to how we feel when we are being true to who we are: feel optimistic, are honest and open, think for ourselves, go with the flow, are open to change, want to do our best, know when to apologise, negotiate, listen to our feelings, take responsibility for our actions, knows how to ask for help and feel happy a lot of the time.
I know which I’d rather be!
How to rediscover your authentic life
“To wish you were someone else is to waste the person you are.” ~ Cherie Huber
If you feel like you aren’t being true to who you are and would like to get back in touch with the real you then I suggest some (or all!) of these tips:
Meditate – This is a great way to give your mind a rest from the whirling thoughts of the day. Instead of getting caught up in your thoughts simple observe them as they pass by.
Give self doubt the boot – A string of small successes is a great way to beat self doubt. Those successes will show you that it’s possible to be yourself and to trust yourself again. Do something that you’ve been putting off.
Slow down – Avoid the need to fill up every part of your day. Take the time to slow down and get to know yourself again.
Stop resisting – Sometimes the only thing that is stopping us from achieving our potential is ourselves so get out of your own way and let go.
Stand up for yourself – Suppressing frustration, anger and opinions has a huge drain on your energy. Learn how to assert yourself in a healthy way.
Face your fears – Exactly what could happen if your fear came true? Whose voice is telling you this? By asking yourself these hard questions and then taking steps in spite of your fear you may find that your fear falls away.
Embrancing the New
Right now I’m loving who I am; the whole messy wonderful package that is me. I know I’ve got a whole lot of learning and growing to do and I know change is going to come in leaps and bounds. The fear of what is to come has fallen away and a calm curiosity is surrounding me.
I’ve recently started a scuba diving course, played netball for the first time in two years, learnt how to dance the cha cha (the rumba is next week!) and the waltz. All things that I have wanted to do for ages but kept finding excuses for.
I keep a quote from Dr Martin Luther King near me these days, “You don’t have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.” I’m taking those first steps and trust that I have the strength and resilience to embrace whatever I choose to include in my authentic life.
