An Angry Bird??
I’ve discovered an unpleasant thing about myself; my default emotion is anger and irritation. I get angry at my laptop when it stalls while I’m trying to buy a ticket. I think angry thoughts about people when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Anger served its purpose when my last significant relationship ended. After all anger is Stage 2 in the universal stages of loss and grieving (Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance). What is a break up but a kind of dying? The loss of a certain future that I’d envisioned with that particular person.
The problem was that I’d stayed in the anger stage with a hint of bargaining (I didn’t actually want him back I simply wanted to regain some element of control) and depression every now and then. I had allowed anger to become my crutch. For me, clinging onto that anger was better than feeling unloved and unworthy but it came at a cost; nicely summed up by this quote:
“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.” Buddha
I surely was the one being burnt as the longer the anger remained the more it spread its infection into other parts of my life.
I decided to tackle this issue as I was about to see my ex again, after a year or so of no contact, at a mutual friends farewell. That day also happened to be my birthday. I caught myself considering not going as he was the last person I wanted to see on my birthday. I then realised it was nearly 2 years since we’d split. With that light bulb flashing I knew I was sick and tired of hearing my chatterbox brain having the same dead-end conversations. And, if I’m honest, I’d used the angry voice to avoid having another relationship because I didn’t want to get hurt badly again. It also resulted in me shutting myself off from potential friendships as it takes me ages to trust someone.
So, what to do?
A book I keep coming back to
As luck would have it I was reading “Feel the fear and do it anyway” by Susan Jeffers. In a chapter called “Choosing Love and Trust” I found part of my solution. Susan spoke about giving away thanks to those who were or had been significant in your life. Even when you perceive that someone has mistreated you, it’s useful to find the lesson that you learned from them. Susan went onto describe a particular exercised that she learned in a workshop:
Find an empty room and turn off the phone. Put on some soothing music. Sit in a comfortable chair and close your eyes. Visualise someone who brings up a lot of anger or pain in you. Picture them in front of you. First, surround them with rays of healing white light and tell them that you wish them all good things – everything they could possibly want in their lifetime. Thank them for whatever they have given you. Keep doing this until you feel your negative emotions leaving.
The very notion of wanting something good for my ex caused a strong physical reaction. “No way, I’m not doing that. He doesn’t deserve it.” I turned the page.
The Universe had other plans. I was reading Natalie McNeil’s’ “Conquer – A manifesto for achieving what you want most” later that week. Chapter 9 was called “Transforming your relationships”. You can see where this is heading can’t you?!
Natalie wrote about how bad relationships can get in the way of achieving what you want most. She asked that I think about one relationship in my life that could get in the way of achieving my goals. I was to note ways that I’d grown or been tested in the relationship, whether my actions had come from a place of self-respect and to describe one way I could challenge myself to improve the relationship or put it in the past so that I could bless it and move forward.
I was less resistant to those thoughts and I was able to write answers quite easily. I was amazed to find myself smiling at the thought of my ex as I wrote. In that writing I found a way to forgive both of us for our actions.
This gave me the courage to pick up Susan’s book again.
